The moment after I gave birth to you is a sweet memory. I was in a fevered haze, but I knew you. I knew that dark hair and sweet little nose. They let me hold you just for a moment. Skin to skin. I remember the feeling of you on my chest, but then you were gone. You had a fever, too. They whisked you away to the NICU while I lay in the room wondering what was happening. I was begging your Daddy to tell me what was happening as I fought to stay awake. Everything was in German and sounded especially foreign at the moment. There was coldness on my bare skin that I kept trying to push off as the midwife patiently persisted that I keep the cold packs on. I didn't know it then, but you and I weren't doing so great! It's a good thing that we didn't need to understand the language to have wonderful doctors and nurses take care of us. One minute you were there, the next minute you were gone. One minute I was awake, the next minute I was in a deep sleep while the doctor helped fix what was happening to my body. One minute I was asleep, the next moment I woke up to a beautiful, angel nurse. As soon as the fog lifted I was begging for you. Please, please, please...my body and heart both felt so raw. My arms felt so bare and we were at the mercy of a system so different from what we knew. I had never felt so vulnerable.
They handed me your picture and I panicked for a moment. Good news! Besides the high fever, you were a healthy boy! My chunky 9 lb., 5 oz. beautiful boy. You were only 19 inches long and so roly-poly! Because you had a fever, you had to stay in the NICU with all of the teeny, tiny babies. You couldn't come to me, but I went to you. Every day, for ten days. I went to feed you and hold you while your big brother and Daddy played in the courtyard and fed the ducks. I think those nurses really loved your chubby cheeks, full lips and dark hair that stood straight up in the front of your head like it still does today. We brought you home on Independence Day. 10 days after you were born, but 3 days before you were due!
You still have a way of making me bare my heart in a way that no one else does. When I see you, I see myself. You and I are so alike. I see your hurt when no one else seems to because I hold it the same way. I get your jokes and love to laugh at your silly ways because we share the same sense of humor. I get frustrated with you when you won't budge on an idea or when you refuse to acknowledge any understanding in your anger, but I understand you. I know that in a few minutes you will come around and come to me with your tender heart and lay it bare to me because deep down you know it is safe and that your Mom is always right...ha ha. Actually, I know you will do it because I know you don't like to be backed into a corner and forced to have someone else's thought. You like to have your own idea or come to understand and believe that something is true, too. I get that about you. You have wonderful ideas and thoughts and you are braver than I am on my best day. You are bold and courageous and love fiercely. I am so proud of the man you are becoming, my Lance.
No editing, no back-tracking, just write for five minutes.
Have a Happy Day~